Today we take you back in time to the medieval laboratory of the mad scientist Dr. Chaos as he describes his creation of the English language. His diabolical goal: to make English as confusing and illogical as possible.

(Grabbing a foaming beaker, Dr. Chaos unleashes a hideous, fiendish laugh.)

Let's see ... First, I'll devise two words that everyone will mix up. I'll have "it's," which looks like a possessive, actually be a contraction. So people will continually write, "I like it's taste." Splendid!

Then I'll create the words "lie" and "lay." These verbs will be close in meaning, but "lie" will be intransitive and mean "to recline," and "lay" will be transitive and mean "to set down." So people will always say in error, "I'm laying on the couch."

Just to be perverse, I'll have the past tense of "lie" be "lay," so everyone will say, "he lied on the couch yesterday" and "he laid on the couch yesterday," instead of the correct "he lay on the couch yesterday." Devilish!

Next, I'll create THREE words that sound alike but mean completely different things: "they're," "their" and "there." That way, we'll get people stumbling into blunders such as, "they're own pencils," "their gone" and "there here!" Ingenious!

Then I'll make the past tense of "read" (pronounced "reed") be "read" (pronounced "red"), but make the past tense of "lead" be "led," leading millions of high school students to write "lead" for "led." And, for good measure, let's fashion two more sound-alike words — "than" and "then" — so people will be continually writing, "Jane is taller then Jill." Brilliant!

Next, I'll create the pronouns "he," "his," "him," "she" and "her" but fail to provide gender-neutral singular pronouns, so that people will have to write "he or she," "his or her" and "him or her" or resort to the plural pronouns "they," "their" and "them," which disagree with the singular subject.

Then I'll concoct inconsistent past tenses of verbs so the past tense of "ring" is "rang," but the past tense of "bring" is "brought," while the past tense of "reach" is "reached," and the past tense of "teach" is "taught." Ah-ha!

Finally, I'll create two sound-alike words guaranteed to baffle even the staunchest grammarian: "affect" and "effect." When something "affects" something, I'll call that an "effect." Then I'll say "affect" is a verb (but not always) and "effect" is a noun (except when its — oops — it's not).

I've even confused myself! Ha-haaaaaaa!

Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Conn., invites your language sightings. His book, "Mark My Words," is available for $9.99 on Amazon.com. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via e-mail to Wordguy@aol.com or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

Photo credit: Soheb Zaidi at Unsplash